The Midnight News 04.05.04

Posted by Hyatte on 04.05.2004

The Jarretts Clean Up Wrestling, Indy news, Impotence, Trish, Celebrity Juice, and Movie Quotes

For all the stuff going on this week,news-wise,are you proud of your last column?Do you feel it is up to your own lofty standards?Peace on ya,and porn to ya.

-Mark something

Nope, but I’m used to that feeling.

I like how much you talk about wrestling

Illmatic2115

Thank you Mr. tic2115, I like how much you talk about me!

Hello Limpwrists, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News. In case you forgot or had better things to do, you can check out last week’s Thursday column. Lots of useless stuff jammed in there.

Not much else to say, so shall we get moving? Okay, then we shall!

TNA VS ROH = GOD VS SATAN!!

This is the story that just… died.

Fact: Rob Feinstein got himself in that “jam”… (jam… HA!)

Fact: He wisely disassociated himself from ROH afterwards (or so he SAYS!!!!!!!)

Fact: TNA, those PILLARS of Southern Baptist morality! (Who employed Scott Hall, Lex Luger AND guys with Swastika tattoos and no regrets about them) told their workers who worked for both companies to quit Ring of Honor or be cast out of the hillbilly EDEN that is TNA

Fact: Ring of Honor “sole” owner Gabe… Sakolotsky (or something Polish) had to fly down to Nashville for a HUGE sit-down with the family Jarrett and Panda rep/TNA owner Dixie Carter (LOVED her on Designing Women) and Bob Ryder, (no doubt) to ask why they are being such douchebags/

Fact: (according to someone), TNA DEMANDED to see proof that Feinstein really IS

Cut off from the doings of “Ring of Honor”…

Fact: Either Gabe Sapolsky couldn’t or wouldn’t show proof.

Fact: That’s all that’s been mentioned about this story. Everyone has since focused on the Plane Ride From Hell and how Triple H is running the WWE into the ground…. You know, innovative stuff like that. NOBODY… NONE of the top dogs, is saying BOO about the topic… it just fizzled out.

Great.

Here’s what I think. I think stuff like this does a DAMN nice job explaining just HOW Vince McMahon got SO wealthy SO fast and SO easily. I mean, LOOK at this nonsense. You’ve got TNA, which hasn’t made a frickin’ PENNY yet trying to BULLY it’s wrestlers into signing exclusive contracts with them… NOT to stop the WWE from signing anyone, but to keep them from working the closest thing to competition that they have… Ring of Honor, which DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A TELEVISION PRODUCT!!

And they use the morality of their southern religious roots as an excuse. Maybe they DO have some sort of moral problem with ROH these days… so, why take it out on poor AJ Styles?

And ROH… jeezus guys… if Feinstein is still working with the company on the DL, then you DESERVE to go down with his child-pumping ass. You think those massive (massive for you guys, at least) “show of support” crowds you’ve been pulling are gonna last? The HELL they will! Keep your owner around and watch what happens… you’re already THIS close to going under. In this day and age, where the Government and the Religious right are sticking their business into EVERYTHING, there is NO WAY a wrestling company will last with a boy-lover calling the shots… even if he ISN’T guilty.

In the long run, I think that this is just the Jarretts BICKERING over table scraps with the one company they are bigger than. A bunch of fucking morons fighting for whatever fell out of Vince’s napkin when he paid the check and left the restaurant. Instead on focusing ON the WWE, they are jerking off and trying to pretend that they are Nitro and it’s 1995 again.

So yeah…. It’s no wonder Vince hasn’t broken a sweat since 1998.

But DAMN, it sure is fun to watch fools go at it! And you people think INTERNET FEUDS are ridiculous!

8 WRESTLERS WHO DON’T SELL

Here, you creeps, a little STRAIGHT EDGE RASSLIN’ REPORTING FOR YOU:

Jeff Peterson was a skinny wrestler who used to write to me and promise to kick my ass. He really hated me for some reason.

Then he died… which goes to show that you should NEVER fuck with Hyatte

But his Uncle runs the ECWA Indy promotion, which features a pretty popular, respected “Super Eight” annual tournament. After the kid died, they re-christened it the “Jeff Peterson Super Eight and…

Oh my God… oh crap!!

Err, it seems that I confused my Indy tournaments and the Peterson Memorial Cup will be held in JUNE and this Tournament, which has NOTHING to do with a skinny rassler who hated Hyatte and has since died was held over the weekend… WHOOPS… my bad!

Anyway… “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels won the whole thing and gets to stay at any and all “Super 8” hotels free of charge for the next year, then he has to defend his title. So congrats to Daniels and try not to steal TOO many towels.

Boy, is my face red… thank GOD I caught myself in time… it would have been REAL embarrassing if I got my indy deals confused.

Man…

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

One question, but it is a NASTY one!!

*yeah, this is a little hard-core, even for me, so be aware that the content here is a little salty*

My problem is really simple, I cannot have an orgasm by having any kind of sex. my girlfriend could be blowing me for an hour and i just will not cum. but when I jerk off, I cum all over the place. what the hell is wrong with me.

****please do NOT post my e-mail****

Peter South

I have to post it, how else can I answer it? I don’t DO freebies.

What’s wrong with you is simple anxiety. You’re so consumed with your performance that it’s prohibiting your performance.

See, when we jerk off, we could give a shit about performance. We do it quick and nasty and it’s over in about 20 strokes. It trains us to be 100% selfish too. The only people we need to please is ourselves. Hell, I like to jerk off “surgical style”, using my fingers to hit the most sensitive part of the shaft rather than just taking the whole thing in my fist and pounding away. Aaaaahhh… that’s some sweet stuff there.

Jerking off is also all about doing it quick and quiet and finishing as soon as possible, that comes from the years and years we learned how to do it and practiced it while Mom and Dady were in the next room. You just KNEW they could hear every squeak of your bed springs, every noise you made seemed 100X louder.

So that’s how most guys first learned how to have sex.

Then you get lucky and get a few fingers up the jungle pit of Mary Jane Rottencrotch and suddenly, you are asked to come in a completely unique, scary way. Suddenly, you have to grind away into a real live, heavier-than-your-hand person. Plus, there’s always the fear that she moves wrong and your penis could break in half! OWWCH!!

So, after a few go-rounds, you actually start getting good at what you’re doing… and start preferring it over jerking off. You learn moves and rhythms, and learn how to read HER moves, rhythms, and you start paying close enough attention to her so you’ll be able to tell exactly what to do and when to do it and when she’s really liking it and when she’s just waiting for you to finish so she can get some sleep. Everything’s going along just fine and dandy except that you can’t ejaculate. Even when she gives you a gift and blows you for over and hour, you can’t do it.

Dude, you’re just WORRYING about it too much.

You STILL need to get used to humping something OTHER than your hand, so my solution is real, REAL simple: Use your impotence as a weapon and bang the living SHIT out of her for an hour, two hours, as many hours as you can. Bang her chooch, bang her booty, bang between her titties, bang her mouth, hell, squeeze it inside her ear and rupture her eardrum. Then, when she’s exhausted and you’ve had enough, pull out and use your hand and jerk off and squirt all over her. Her nipples make an excellent bullseye marker. I think, once you can get over the built-in privavcy of jerking off by doing it in front of, and ON her, then that’ll bring you one step closer to being able orgasm insider her… and make her swallow!

Either that or you’re GAY, dude! Shame on you. God doesn’t approve.

And yes, I am quite sure this letter is a scam. Who cares, someone reading might be honestly curious to the answer.

This is the only question I’ve received this week. I guess you all are perfect. I guess you all don’t NEED any advice from me. Okay, fine, fuck you then.

And I’m not sure WHY you all think I only handle relationship questions… I can answer pretty much ANYTHING with a certain degree of logic and sense. Go ahead, see for yourself.

THE FURTHER ADVENTURES OF MRS. TRISH HYATTE

So, I got this e-mail and decided, Oh what the heck, let’s get serious for a moment:

Mr Hyatte... fear not for this has nothing to do with most of the reasons people e-mail you. I'm not one of those people who's gonna get on your case simply because you use unorthodox tactics to get a rise out of your readers. I've got nothing against you in general and in fact read your column every week and shall continue to do so... twice a week now since your column's 'brand extension'. Regardless of the fact that I shall not be taking any shots at you, you're probably going to despise what I have to say as much as if I had taken direct shots at you.

How much do the people of 411 actually know about wrestling talent? A lot of the people on 411 or in the entire internet wrestling community for that matter are quick to judge the transgressions that some less talented wrestlers make in the ring. And why? If a wrestler sucks then it should be duly noted that that particular individual lacks talent, correct? That is my point exactly. You guys point out a lot of the less talented wrestlers but you let a large set of boobs cloud your judgment when it comes Trish Stratus.

Now trust me when I say that I know what I'm talking about. I've gotten into the ring, I've taken my fair share of bumps and I've paid my dues between those ropes. I know when I see talent when it comes to wrestling and in my professional opinion Trish Stratus sucks. Take that rise out of your loafers Hyatte, I meant she sucks at wrestling. Sure, she may be talented in comparison to most of the divas on the roster but that's not saying much. Trish Stratus wrestling was cool back when she could capitalize on the nostalgia of being the totally hott underdog female who was new to wrestling. And when she first started wrestling, she was considered good... for someone who was new to wrestling. And she was... for someone who was new to wrestling. The problem is the fact that he talents hit a brick wall early on and she never got any better. If she's not hitting needless spots... she's blowing someone else's spots. But people in the internet wrestling community still think she's talented because she's got really nice hoo-hoo's. Don't Don't get me wrong... I'm about as heterosexual as you can get... even to the point of minor homophobia... and Trish is amazingly attractive. But being hott doesn't make you a good wrestler or we'd have seen Women's Champions made out of Torrie Wilson and Stacy Keibler too.

Trish Stratus is a highly attractive, big boobed, sub-par, close enough to being halfway decent wrestler that she can do a fairly good job of playing a highly attractive, big boobed, sub-par, close enough to being halfway decent wrestler but she's far from the women's wrestling Messiah that you and the rest of the internet wrestling community make her out to be. And because she's sub-par for someone who has been wrestling as long as she has, she's better suited as being the underdog, something that under most circumstances can't be done with a heel. I agree that turning her heel breathes new life into the Trish Stratus character, but it's going to hurt her in the ring. But no one will notice... simply because she has big boobs, blonde hair and a nice smile... and nothing says evil like big boobs, blonde hair and a nice smile, right?

It's sad really

D.D.

He gave me his full name, but since I didn’t ask him for permission to post this, it’s proper to let him remain anonymous.

Okay, first of all (yaknow;lemmetellyasomething) I would HOPE that, by now, I have proven myself to be one of the fairest commentators around. In a frickin cyber-world where EVERYONE’S opinion rests solely on what Dave Meltzer thinks, I try real hard to present ALTERNATIVE viewpoints… while still trying to sneak a joke in there.

Let’s forget for two seconds that Stratus has tits and blonde hair and a highly doable mouth. Let’s pretend she has brown hair, a fat ass, and Keibler-sized titties. Would I still admire her? HELL YEAH…

Why? Because she didn’t stop trying to improve! She didn’t stop working on her game! She was over two years ago, she drew MONEY two years ago, but that didn’t stop her from developing that funky/weird “Matrix” like bridge move. Sure, it’s fairly dopey in context, and it’s a gratuitous cheese shot, but it’s unique, it’s fun, and it KEEPS EYES ON HER MATCH. The girl didn’t NEED another move to her arsenal, but she added a brand new one anyway!

Is she the BEST wrestler? No, Molly is. But is she the most OVER wrester? Yup… she draws MONEY… she’s drawn money for a while now… she could work the same kind of match she worked 2 years ago and still draw money, but she wanted to improve herself AND the women’s division by becoming better. She didn’t make her opponents work her type of match, she improved herself so she could work THEIR type of match.

Oh, and she sells… well.

Truth is, I’ve never seen a more vibrant, deep, and authentic woman’s division then the one we have now. There are so many hard working ladies in the company (and in TNA) that do more than shake their ass at the fans for a pop. The WWE has created what “G.L.O.W.” COULD have been if that idiot McClane had more than just a surface imagination. They created a women’s division that girls can actually ADMIRE… and Stratus played a HUGE role in building it.

Plus, if you look at the line-up of appearances that wrestlers make, you’ll find that Trish does more PR-like work than almost anyone else. Hell, she blew off a HUGE money making Japanese tour because she had committed to working a charity show in Toronto a couple of months ago. In a business where politics and greed and naughty sexual congress and where the workers drop dead like Flies in winter, Trish works hard to present her business in a light of RESPECT. That deserves a round of applause.

Plus, goddammit, her left tit draws more than Chris Benoit.

So, while your points are certainly valid (she isn’t a GREAT worker… if spots were men she would have about 5 gallons of semen in her tummy), and your opinion is perfectly fine and you have every right to have it… the truth is she’s a lot better than she needs to be, and works a lot harder than she has to.

And as far as I know, I’m the ONLY bug time web guy to give ANY wrestling chick serious props and attention… so it isn’t like I’m going against the GRAIN here… ya know?

Plus, I feel that, if I really, really talk her up, I’ll get to sleep with her one day…. Might take me about a vat of Horse tranquilizer to do it… but I’m not above such romantic acts!

Anyway, thanks!

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!:

1) Hellboy: $23.5 million opening weekend. By the way, the character of “Hellboy”, callous, jaded monster outside with the noble soul of a romantic inside is nothing new… Ron Perleman should have screamed, “IT’S CLOBBERIN’ TIME” a few times and just admitted that that he’s walking in someone else’s shoes.

2) Walking Tall: $15.3 million opening weekend. This is a BOMB. No, for all the pimping the Rock did for it… this is an unmitigated BOMB. I’m sorry, but Hollywood pout this action flick specifically in April so they could score a fast 100 million before Spider-Man 2 sweeps in and takes the summer. $15 million is a bomb! It could only have done worse if Ben Affleck was in it.

This does not bode well for The Rock, I’m afraid. He needs a hit, a stand-alone hit… and fast.

3) Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed: $15 million ($50 million total) So how come no in in the Movie zone has reviewed this? We’ve got 4 friggin’ reviews of Christ getting strung up by his knickers yet NO ONE bothers with this? ARE YOU SAYING THAT CHRIST IS SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN FREDDIE PRINZE JR AND MATHEW LILLARD??? OHH you do NOT want to sail into THOSE controversial waters, my friend… oh no you do NOT!.

4) Home on the Range: $14 million opening weekend I remember a time when a Disney cartoon could be 20 minutes of a Lion licking his balls and it would clear $200 million in a week… alas, alas…

5) The Prince & Me: $10 million opening. Eh, underpromoted vehicle from Julia Styles, who has a really scary face when she’s smiling. 10 mil is decent for a early-year no-pressure chick flick.

Meanwhile, hear that sound? It’s Ben Affleck’s career FINALLY realizing that it’s in FREEFALL and it’s SCREAMING! Oh, don’t worry, Ben will cocksuck his way into a few more movies and turn up on Leno for each of them and swear up and down that it’s a real deal this time… he’ll hang around for a few more flicks… but it’s almost over… it’s almost over!

In other news, Mel Gibson just agreed to film: How the Jews Stole Easter featuring the brutal torture and dismembering of the Easter Bunny… then they EAT the poor critter!

Lastly, to gear your ass up for THE date movie that you’d actually want to see as MUCH as your girlfriend, go watch this, the Quicktime “R-Rated” trailer for The Girl Next Door. Lots of boobies and adult flavored content.

And, because I firmly stand by what I say, I’ll repeat what I wrote last week:

I say, fuck the movies and stick with TV for a while longer! “The Sopranos” is so good it’s scary, “The Practice” is AMAZING for two reasons: 1: James Spader fucking RULES and 2: Someone FINALLY gave Bill Shatner a role that kicks the living shit out of ANYTHING he’s done in the past 15 years! That’s right… Bill Friggin’ Shatner is BACK, BABY!!! It’s a role where all he does is announce his name with all the smugness he can muster: “Danny Craig!” and the sumbitch is HILARIOUS… right up there with his brilliant work on Airplane 2: The Sequel

And Please, I’m begging you, watch Arrested Development… it would be the funniest show on TV if The Simpsons weren’t still on.

We done with Hollywood? HELL NO… not even CLOSE!

CELEBRITY SLUTS WHO’LL BANG ANYONE BUT YOU

STILL, after all these years, THE place to go for some of the naughtiest, juiciest, BEST damn gossip is the great A-List Gossip site. The girl who runs it (and now I am convinced she IS female, AND a lesbo t’boot) still only updates quarterly… but it’s ALWAYS a gas when she shows up…

And this time, she added some RASSLIN’ gossip!!! Oh thank GOD!

Anyway, let’s have some fun and see who’s slamming who and who’s spreading their legs and who the fags are!

*Italics are my add-ons

Pink. Bi______ with a taste for black men. Recovering heroin addict. "Allegedly shagging her (female) make up artist long term." Linked with Pamela Anderson, Kristanna Loken, and Tommy Lee (hitting the bifecta of sleaze and idiocy, I see). None of this surprises me. Pink looks ROUGH… no, really, she looks BRUTAL rough… but in a hot way, sorta.

Mya: "One of my friend's cousins used to date her in high school and she was a big ASS HO!!!!" I don’t get Mya. I look at her and totally see a chick who humped her way to a record deal.

Dave Matthews: Bi_______, but not currently playing the field. "Into receiving golden showers from young female fans. Once had to cancel a large section of one tour after being diagnosed with a yeast infection in his throat. Ewww!" (Yeah, really). Heh HA HAH HAH… someone likes the oyster juice!

Nicholas Cage: Long-time heroin user. Didn't make it through high school. Attacks paparazzi. Has at least dabbled in (and with, and on) men. "Was such an asshole on the set of Wind Talkers, that the crew referred to him as "Nick The Dick" behind his back." Reported to have a large snuff film collection, which is what broke up his marriage to Patricia Arquette. Doesn't tip (shame on you!). Formerly with Patricia Arquette (ex-wife), Laura Dern, Angelina Jolie, Sarah Jessica Parker, Lisa Marie Presley, and Uma Thurman. None of this stops him from being one of the coolest cats I’ve ever seen. The guy just knows how to… frickin.. STRUT! We can ALL take a few lessons in cool from Nicky C!

John Grisham: Not just a bad writer (his popularity, like James Patterson's and Patricia Cornwall's, mystifies me and makes me despair of the American reading public) but a philandering lech as well. but The King of Torts WAS actually a fine book… definitely a “Good” Grisham novel

Ashley Judd: "A cold fish." Hypocrite who slept with anyone she thought would advance her career. Heavily surgically augmented; "gobbles more antidepressants than you can imagine." Neglects her pets. (Though I've received a few e-mails from her fans and friends which mention how kind and sweet she is.) Treated the staff of at least one hotel in an "unnecessarily incredibly evil" fashion. Deliberately (?) humiliated Jason Patric in front of Matt Lauer and the watching audience. Linked with Michael Bolton, Jim Carrey, Dario Franchitti, Robert De Niro, and Matthew McConaughey. Tends to be with her costars. personally, I never thought she was that gr8

Ryan Seacrest "FOD and a BIG bottom." "He has such a larger than life ego that it's sickening." Linked with Jeff Probst. See, this is what I love… it ain’t enough that Seacrest is a “Friend of David” (ie: gay) but they HAVE TO ADD that his tushy can handle the BIG stuff… now THAT, my friends, is putting a little EXTRA luv into your reporting!

James Earl Jones: "Just the best. A good man. Devoted to his family and always willing to help out the community." Aww, see… they aren’t ALL gay assholes

And now… the moment you’ve ALL been waiting for…

The Rock: Bisexual. "A delightful and gracious man who seems genuinely grateful for his success." Linked (briefly) with Seann William Scott. WHAT??? NO, NO NO!! Dammit Rocky, you’re supposed to go to Hollywood and conquer the white WOMEN… not the white MEN!! Oh dear God… what IS IT about that town???

Vince McMahaon (The pro rasslin guy): Bisexual. Linked with HHH, Shawn Michaels, and whatever other ringboys and jobbers he can bribe, persuade, or coerce to submit to his lizardy pawing and no doubt amateurish, if undoubtedly mercifully brief, coitus. Okay, forgive the fact that she clearly isn’t a rasslin’ fan… but why are we getting this inside info from her and NOT FROM SCHERER??? WHY HASN’T MELTZER, YOUR FUCKING GOD, REPORTED THIS????

Triple H. (He's a wrassler): Bisexual. "Buggering all the McMahons." If this is true, then Hunter may very well be the SMARTEST man in ALL of sports entertainment… EVER!! Husband to Daughter + Lover to Father = JOB SECURITY! Lordy, if this is even CLOSE to being accurate, Hunter’s going to OWN this company within 10 years!

Well… three wrestlers make it into the list… and they are ALL have gay tendencies

Jeezus… I think it’s high time we all admit to being… “curious”… go ahead, closet-boys… admit it… all of us sort of want the cock… you, me, Meltzer, Scooter, Widro, Mitchell, Rajah, Scherer, Ryder, Mr. Tito, Keller, Ashish, Flea, Szulczewski, Flea, Powell, Alvarez… Flea… all of us. How can we not? All our goddam heroes can’t live without it… guilty by ASSociation!

Well, at least we’ll smell great… gay guys always smell FABULOUS!

Come on now… let’s all sing GARLAND… Sooomewheeeere oooover the rainbow…. Waaaaaay up hiiiiiiiigh…. We waaaaant ugly black penises, to careeeesssss our thiiiiiiiiiiighs

Which one of you lucky bastards will marry me?

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Useless, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably !!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

He’s blonde, buff, smart, rich, handsome, and well-endowed, HHH can have anyone he wants. He COULD fuck your wife. He COULD fuck your girlfriend. Hell, he COULD even fuck your mother if he wanted to. He doesn’t; he’s letting YOU keep them. You remember that the next time you roll on top of whoever’s lucky enough to get your fat ass—you get sex because Triple H ALLOWS it. Your new mantra should be: There but for the grave of Trips mount I

CYBER-SHIP OF FOOLS (aftermath)

Kudos goes to the kids at the PWTorch for MAKING COMPLETE FUCKING JACKASSES OUT OF THEMSELVES by posting ridiculous, pointless, not even REMOTELY funny non-news news stories for April Fools Day. They didn’t stop at two or three, oh no… they did about 20 OF THEM ALL DAY LONG.

And of course, the cowards who post at the Torch message boards all applauded Wade Keller’s wit and imagination and sense of humor!

This is why the net sucks… this is why EVERYONE FUCKING SUCKS… here you have a… a… a frickin’ GOLDMINE of an avenue to re-invent mass media and present… present… oh why do I even bother… people in this world are so frickin’ THRILLED with mediocrity... so THRILLED with playing it safe…

Fine, let’s have some FUN… Here are some POST-April Fool’s news stories! Enjoy!

-Wade Keller’s Grandmother died because he tried to cut off her vagina and mount it on his wall.

-Bruce Mitchell likes to take the grade school kids he teaches into a private room and show them his very special Grading Curve…

-James Guttman is a self-hating Jew

-Jason Powell was “Willie the Worker”

-Pat McNeil likes to dress up as a pirate and cruise pet shops

-Derek Burgan’s tongue is permanently stained brown from years of licking Torch arseholes

Of course, none of these SLANDEROUS stories are even TRUE… not a one… but it’s okay, because it’s APRIL FOOL’S!!!

GOTCHA!!!!

Now STOP WASTING OUR GODDAM TIME!!!! Or I may have the guy who bought me a VIP subscription cancel it!

Christ.

I LOVE THE SMELL OF… OF… SOMETHING IN THE MORNING… PUSSY? ASSHAIR? MONEY?? LINE!!!

I can never have too many of these, and the well is always threatening to run dry.

HUGE mixed bag of stuff this week. Lots of TV lines, lots of movies, the great Richard Dawson, and even a hilariously honest exchange from a “Making of” piece. Truly… TRULY, GODDAMMIT, there is something for EVERYONE here:

1) We could put it on the internet.

No, we need to give the information to people who matter!- The Simpsons

2) You’re both very angry.- Dr. Melfi

Yeah, you must’ve been in the top of your fucking class.- Tony, during a Therapy session with Carmela: The Sopranos

3) Sir, this channel is reserved for emergency calls only.

No fucking shit, lady! Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza?- Die Hard

4) Why are you here?

You asked me to lunch.

I did? When?

Last night in bed.

That was you?- Martin

5) White boys always get the Oscar. It's a known fact. Did I ever get a nomination? No! You know why? Cause I hadn't played any of them slave roles, and get my ass whipped. That's how you get the nomination. A black dude who plays a slave that gets his ass whipped gets the nomination, a white guy who plays an idiot gets the Oscar. That's what I need, I need to play a retarded slave, then I'll get the Oscar.- Bowfinger

6) I'll be the most powerful man in Hill Valley, and I'm gonna clean up this town."

Good, you can start by sweeping the floor.- Back to the Future

7) So what was the story with Princess Di? Did the Queen have her whacked?- Paulie Walnuts: The Sopranos

8) A lot of top guys had dark moods. Winston Churchill- he drank a quart of brandy before breakfast. And Napoleon. He was a moody fuck too.- Sylvio Dante: The Sopranos

9) I will suck the brain from your skull and digest your thoughts like a sour pudding.- Angel

10) Who needs reasons when you've got heroin?- Trainspotting

11) What do you first take off when you get off from work?

I don’t know. Underwear?

Next question: When do you get off from work?- Richard Dawson from The Family Feud

12) My name is…

Names are for tombstones, baby.- Live and Let Die

13) It's ok, Val, this meal's on me.

Do you see me reaching for my fucking wallet?!- Payback

14) You want to know the biggest change for me? Broads shavin' their bushes. I went over to Silvio's, it's like the girl scouts over there.- Michele 'Feech' La Manna: The Sopranos

15) It seems like you don’t like the movie or respect the work, so why are you here?- Christopher Reeves

Did you see what they’re paying me?- Gene Hackman in a piece on the making of

Superman

“Did you see what they’re paying me”… friends, in the business of show, where bullshit and fake gladhandling is as natural as the smell of tuna in a whorehouse… it is RARE to hear honesty as brutal and as open as that.

AND THAT, my friends, is why he is NOT just Gene Hackman, but Gene THE FUCK Hackman!

Oh, and keep in mind that the piece was made YEARS ago, and has Hackman lost a single role because of it? HELL NO!!! Man works as much now as he did during his prime years!

In other news, regarding #11: Pat Sajank… Alex Trebeck… Bob Barker, that old fart… Dick Eubanks… even Wink fucking Martindale… all of them can kiss Richard Dawson’s ass… only Dawson had the balls to get nice and tipsy before show tapings and flirt with everything with tits on that show… he didn’t care how old OR young they were either.

Oh, he was the BOMB… he’s smooch them, hold their hands, nuzzle them… whisper the question to them… it was AWESOME.

CHUCK WOOLERLY CAN KISS MY ASS IN HELL!!!! Chuck wouldn’t know how to flirt with a chick if she shoved her chooch in his face and started to squirt!

Wink Martindale… BAH!!!

That’ll do it for me. In a few days: Books, The Return of My Three Stooges, Wrestling Quotes, little of this, little of that, maybe I’ll make fun of Canadians, and MAYBE the return of an old friend… MAYBE…. Possibly…

No, not Flea…. But Flea is working on something BIG… that’ll probably end up fucking me directly up the ass, but oh well.

So that’s Thursday… this is Monday and I am quite finished with all of this.

This is Hyatte